Live and Love Accordingly

No one intends to have their photo sitting on a chair at their daughter’s wedding instead of themselves. That’s never the plan or what we dream of when imagining that special day.

A space where someone should be. A gap in the family. A shadow, a memory. Something missing.

And some days I’m sad, other days I feel a little angry, most days I feel okay. But the times when I feel the saddest about my Dad are times when I feel the happiest. So many “he should be here” moments and this past weekend was full of them.

My Dad was a smoker. He started smoking as a teen growing up in South America and the habit followed him around for most of his life, until his second heart attack when the doctor said- if you pick up another one, you’ll die. He had nine lives really. So many near death experiences- getting run over by a truck, multiple situations that should have gone south, heart attacks, a majorly traumatic brain injury, until finally- cancer. A few kinds.

When he was first diagnosed I was angry- I remember making bubble-lettered signs as a child “no smoking allowed!” and how mad my Dad would get to see them taped up on the wall. Now I recognize that not as anger, but something else. Something much sadder. But still, he smoked. He kept it up. Secretly smoking in his not-so-secret spot on the side of the house. A lone cigarette butt forgotten in the grass, the lingering smell of tobacco  that reminded all of us. Years went by this way, pretending not to know, although we all knew.

And honestly, no one is sure what finally did it- would he have gotten cancer regardless? Was this just the way it was to go? Unsure. But I do know he certainly didn’t want to be a picture on a chair at his second daughter’s wedding, with his oldest grandchild, who looks just like him, looking on behind him.

Is there a lesson in this? Maybe. But for today I just look at this picture of a picture and it reminds me quite simply that life is short. And that it may be morbid but yes, I’ll be a picture on a chair someday too. We all will, right?

Live and love accordingly.