Yellow Butterflies


I’m writing this in my office, at 8:51pm on a Wednesday night. The things I want to talk about: yellow butterflies. Euphoria. And friendship.

So first- awhile ago I asked the universe/God to show me a sign that my Dad was around. I asked specifically to be shown yellow butterflies- unsure why I chose this but it popped into my head and there it was. Let’s just also push aside the fact that I was asking for a “sign” in the first place. Odd. Surprising. But in step with an evolution of self, I think. And guess what- I see yellow butterflies constantly now. The other day I was in the garden gathering berries and one single yellow butterfly stayed with me the entire time. Another day on a walk, two yellow butterflies flew alongside Olive and me for a few minutes. Driving home today- another floated by my window as we pulled in the driveway. To name just a few. So many questions- is it a sign from my Dad? Is that even possible? Who am I even, to be someone who asks for a “sign”? Do I believe in signs? Do I believe? Unsure. Unsure about a lot. But I remember when I had this epiphany about atheism years ago- being so unsure of nothing is just the same as being so sure there is something. It’s equally as possible for there to be something, as there is nothing. Then my brain feels like it’s melting so I stop thinking so hard about it. But the older I get, the more open I am to all things. I want to believe, you know? I want there to be life after death and for there to be a bigger picture. So I don’t know- I’m in a place of spiritual growth right now. I’ll keep you posted. But yellow butterflies you guys. Perhaps it’s the fact that my brain was looking for them the moment I put the idea out there- you find what you’re looking for right? That’s why when you get a new car, you suddenly see that car everywhere. It’s now on your radar. Or maybe it is a sign. I will know- or not know- one day, right? We all will. (I say that in the least creepy way possible, but it sounds incredibly ominous and foreboding, I know.)

And then Euphoria. I cannot even explain how much I loved this show’s first season. I have so much to say about it. First, I don’t talk about it in this space because why would I, and also my kids may read my blog one day- but when I was in high school I wasn’t an angel. Lots and lots of partying, lots of things I hope my kids NEVER DO. And when I watched Euphoria I was reminded so much of the insane times I had as a teenager. Very fun times, but also really wild times. Would I change them? No, definitely not. But sometimes I feel lucky that nothing bad ever happened, and when I see a show that portrays teens in that way, and then people are shocked, wondering if that’s realistic- I think back to the late 90s and remember. The biggest thing- thank goodness we didn’t have social media to document our stupidity. And I’m equally grateful to be in a place where I hold all my past selves in gentle, loving arms- because I firmly know that it all brought me to where I am today. With that said- if you haven’t yet watched Euphoria you must. It’s a masterpiece. And I think my favorite thing is how it effortlessly makes you feel every emotion possible. It’s terrifying as a mother, upsetting as a human in general, and would absolutely be triggering to some- but the discussion it brings up is so important, around teenagers and parenting and technology…it’s unreal. The cinematography is beautiful, the acting is impeccable, the soundtrack is so well done, and I would say it’s the best television show I’ve seen in years. Go watch it.

Lastly- friendship. Last weekend I spent a few days with my friend Alana, finding her wedding dress. Shirley, Alana, Alana’s Mom and sister. Small group and we got the job done in 30 minutes! She found her dress at the first appointment, and it was the second dress. Of course! The weekend was awesome and it was bittersweet to leave. I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned over the past 5-6 years is that some friends just feel like home. Sometimes I can have anxiety after spending time with people- I think back through all the things I said, little things, big things, and it’s stressful- maybe some of you can relate. But sometimes, with particular groups- that feeling is gone. That’s what it’s like with my 5 college best friends. They are more like sisters, truly, and they feel like HOME. As time has gone on over the last almost twenty years of friendship, we’ve come together, we’ve drifted apart, we’ve experienced the wax and wane of any long-term, long-distance friendship. We all aren’t together all the time. But when we are- it’s magic. And not the kind of magic I used to think friendship was- but in a very deep, very trusting, very beautiful way. We all met at 18 and 19 and the lives we lived between then and now are pretty amazing. We’ve all changed so much but at the root of it we are still those same young girls having the time of our lives together. Except now we have two decades of weird, funny, crazy, sad, joyous, life-altering, beautiful experiences that are a part of all of us, together. And on my very worst days I know that I have these women who see the real me, and really, really love me. It’s a special place to be and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And also about how grateful I feel to have made some very amazing friends over the years, in addition to these women. Thankful.

Random thoughts- and now it’s time for bed.

Goodnight, friends.